Our First Trip to Buy Buy Baby

I had been reading the pregnancy bible, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” for many months now.  I had finally reached the section about the essential things you need for your babies arrival.  I had also been reading about baby registries and my wife and decided it was time to take our first trip to Buy Buy Baby.  It was a nice fall Saturday afternoon when we decided to venture out.  Upon arrival they have dedicated parking spots for expectant mothers and moms with newborns…off to a good start!  However, upon walking in seeing the swarms of people we both became instantly overwhelmed.  We decided to open our registry and they handed us this fun little scanner so we could simply walk around and scan things we wanted.  Sounded similar to what we did for our wedding registry which I had a blast doing.  I actually had a little too much fun with our wedding registry (I still don’t use the damn ice cream maker I got…whoopsies).  So upon being handed another scanner shopping experience, I was ready..or so I thought.  We started at the front of the store in the stroller and car seat section.  BIG mistake.  There were about 100 different stroller options.  Some convertible, some stand alone, some with 3 wheels, some with 4, lots of different bells and whistles and colors and holy shit my heads was already spinning.  We decided it would be wise to ask someone for help.  The guy we asked was kind of an idiot.  He basically told us it was up to us and our personal preference what we wanted for a stroller and car seat and if we told him what we wanted he could tell us what was best.  The point was that we had no fucking idea what we wanted or what would be best!  Ok, take a breath.  We decided to move onto the next section. 

 

Cribs and mattresses were next and unfortunately, no better than car seats and strollers.  There were approximately 15 different mattress options ranging from $100-$400 and the descriptions on them were of no help.  I had no clue what coil structure would be best for a baby and was once again, overwhelmed.  Luckily in the mattress section they had all kinds of recliners and rocking chairs and I decided it was time to take a time out.  My wife and I plopped down in our respective chairs and just sat there rocking back and forth, staring blankly at each other.  Maybe we should check out monitors.  That should be easy, right?  Wrong.  Yet again, so many options, so little information.  Fuck my life.  I was having a rude wake up call that I knew absolutely nothing about baby stuff. 

I told my wife I was headed into the baby clothes section.  That would be my safe haven.  I can always find my happy place here.  Just wait until I tell you about my baby clothes shopping obsession.  After about 5 minutes perusing cute onsies, my wife and I were both more than defeated.  I think we scanned approximately 3 things which included diapers and pacifiers and wipes.  We both looked at each other and decided it would be best to come back another time when we had a half a clue what the hell we were looking for.  Our next plan of attack, make an appointment with a Buy Buy Baby specialist to help us figure out what da fuck we need.  Word to the wise, don’t go into that store for the first time alone.  You will have a nervous breakdown and likely cry. 

I would like to mention a little shout out to The Semenette.  XBIZ, the leading adult industry media source holds an awards ceremony every year to honor the best of the best in the adult industry.  This year, out of 8,000 nominees, The Semenette is a nominee finalist for Couples Sex Toy of the Year and Specialty Pleasure Product of the Year.  Pretty humbled and excited about it.  Until next week!  

The Third Trimester Is Here!

This is what your baby looks like :)

It’s kind of surreal when the 3^rd trimester arrives.  It’s been a long 27ish weeks to get there and now that you are in the final haul, reality is definitely going to start settling in.  In this trimester there are so many new and exciting things that will happen, mainly, the big event.  Insert panic attack and inner freak out.  To see your partners belly go from normal to holy shit there’s a baby in there and the moment when you actually realize that you are about to embark on being a parent is the most insane feeling in the world.  To this day, I still have those surreal moments when I’m staring at my daughter and my wife and thinking about how she started as a poppy seed and now she is sitting on our couch with us.  The fact that my wife’s body nurtured her for 9 months and that she was a living person growing inside my wife’s belly is crazy to me.  When you really stop and think about it, creating a child truly is nothing short of a miracle. 

This trimester is when the fun really begins and I’ll be touching upon all kinds of funny topics such as baby shopping, creating your registry, 3D and 4D ultrasounds, baby kicks all the way up to the actual birth.  If you haven’t already noticed, I don’t hold much of anything back so stay tuned for lots more jaw dropping material to come.  

The Daunting Task of Shaving

As if being pregnant, hormonal and ever expanding wasn’t bad enough, you still have to worry about keeping some sense of personal grooming intact during your pregnancy.  Let’s be honest, shaving is annoying.  If you have ever read my other blog, you will know that I am anti-hair everywhere to the point where I have to shave every day.  I can’t stand the feeling of stubble or hair on me and I’m just not a fan of a wiffle down there so I spend an extra 5 or so minutes each morning shaving all my parts.  Imagine how annoying the task of shaving is for the average person and now magnify that by adding that you can barely see over your belly.  How the heck does one attempt to shave their lady parts when they can’t even see their feet? 

The Solution???

As my wife’s belly was expanding, I often remember her getting out of the shower and we would laugh together because she would tell me how hard it is for her to shave and how annoying it was to try and shave your vagina blindly.  The worst times were when she would nick herself, see blood and then would have a minor freak out moment thinking she was bleeding internally.  I would constantly ask her what I could get for her to help assist in her hair removal process but there was just no good response.  Calling all you inventors out there, there is the need for something to help pregnant women see when they are shaving!  I thought about getting her some sort of chair and mirror to basically sit and see, but the idea of that for my wife was not only embarrassing but way too overwhelming.  I even offered to shave for her but that got an even worse response.  Can’t blame me for trying!  At the end of the day, everyone will have their own personal grooming preferences and after seeing my wife give birth, I gotta say, a little hair was the last thing anyone was thinking about.  

Belly Touching AKA Stay the Fuck Away

I was watching the news this morning and saw the Today Show did a story about a woman in NYC who taped herself walking throughout the city and documenting how many times she got cat called by men.  Now, this wasn’t shocking or earth shattering news, however, it’s quite interesting to think about this on a broader scale.  If you think about it, people feel entitled and inclined to do and say whatever the hell they want.  OK, so we know that freedom of speech is your first amendment right, and within reason, pending you abide by the law you can do what you want as well.  But is there a line drawn for that or rather, should there be?  In the story with the woman in NYC, there was a man that literally walked right next to her for at least 5 minutes and didn’t say a word.  He just creepily followed her and walked right next to her.  A bit much?  I’d say so.  Shouldn’t a line be drawn when it comes to personal space and respect?  Is it a cultural thing?  Perhaps it’s just a person being oblivious.  I don’t really know.  What I do know is that one of my wife’s biggest complaints throughout her pregnancy was people feeling entitled or inclined to touch her belly at their leisure.  My wife is a very private person and isn’t into the whole touchy feely thing in general, let alone perfect strangers touching her, so this proved to be quite challenging for her.  Don’t get me wrong, my wife was a REALLY good sport when it came to friends and family wanting to touch her belly and feel the baby but again, there has to be a line drawn on this.  

I recall my wife telling me about one of her work colleagues that is just that, a work colleague, nothing more, who literally walked right up to her, didn’t say a word, and literally just started fondling her belly.  She described it as one of the most uncomfortable and awkward experiences ever, and I can imagine why.  Would you walk up to a stranger and just start rubbing their belly if they weren’t pregnant?  Nope, I doubt it, unless you were a sadist and wanted to get punched in the face.  It’s just not proper “people” etiquette to walk around rubbing people’s stomachs and a woman who is pregnant is no exception to the rule as far as I’m concerned.  If you really must, I suppose asking for permission is acceptable but that also puts the mom to be in a pretty awkward position as well.  What’s she supposed to say upon your request, “No, you may not touch my belly” and risk sounding like a hormonal bizatch?  Ok, well chances are she is hormonal but not necessarily a bizatch and reserves the right to not have her pregnant belly accosted. 

So, I leave you with this, before you nuzzle up to a pregnant woman’s belly, unless she is your partner, think twice.  You wouldn’t like it and they don’t either.

On a personal note, I want to wish my beautiful wife a happy birthday.  It was a few days ago and because she is so amazing and such a good sport about letting me write this blog, I thought at the very least, she deserved a little shout out :)

Coconut Oil on your labia…say what?!

Ok, don’t be alarmed by the title of this blog.  Ok, well maybe you should be a little alarmed.  This is one of those stories that I just HAD to share.  It’s too hilarious not to.  I mentioned in a previous post about getting my wife a prenatal facial and this event was actually while my wife was having another facial with a different woman.  The woman I made the appointment for her with is French and knows skin more than anyone I have ever met.  She’s an incredible esthetician.  She also happened to be pregnant as well so her and my wife had lots of stories to compare and chat about.  I picked my wife up from the facial and we were chatting as usual and then she began telling me one of the most hilarious and awkward things I have ever heard.  Here goes nothing.

So, as my wife and esthetician were trading stories about the horrors of pregnancy, giving birth, etc… and were also sharing advice and “trade secrets”, the esthetician began talking about using coconut oil, but not in the way you might think.  I’m sure your first thought was what mine was and that would be using coconut oil for stretch marks.  Well, the esthetician had a different kind of use for the coconut oil.  She proceeded to tell my wife that it was extremely good to rub coconut oil on your labia and perineum.  She went on to explain that you should “go home, sit and relax on the couch and rub a little coconut oil on your labia and perineum every night” to help with tearing during labor.  I legit cannot even imagine how my wife kept her shit together while the esthetician was sharing this story.  That means, A)she rubs her labia and perineum on the regular and B) she felt comfortable enough to talk about that as if it was totally normal.  Can you imagine coming home from work and finding your partner sitting on the couch, all out there, rubbing coconut oil on her lady parts like there’s nothing to see here??!  Yeah, I don’t think so.  Needless to say, my wife and I had quite a laugh.  I can also assure you that my wife decided not to take this friendly advice and her labia and perineum are just fine :)

 

Isn’t it amazing the things people feel inclined and comfortable sharing and doing when pregnant or when they see a pregnant person?  Don’t even get me going on touching a pregnant belly.  I’ll save that topic for next week!

Do you smell that???

I saw someone posted on FB about a NHL hockey player that admittedly farts in front of the net to try and distract the goalie and it prompted me to recall farts and gas during pregnancy.  Ohhh another lovely topic I have no problem covering in this blog!  I told you I keep it real.  Not sure what’s more real than farts, pooping or lack thereof pooping. 

Farting in general is a part of life.  I know there is a distinctly different standpoint on farting depending on who you are talking to.  Some people are “all out there” farters.  They have NO shame in farting anywhere, anytime, or in front of anyone.  Then you have the “closet” farters.  These are people that fart (because everyone does) but will avoid talking about farting or actually farting in front of anyone.  Not everyone likes to talk about their farts, ok?  Finally, you have the “secret” farters.   These are people that are in straight up denial about farting.  They often say things like “I don’t ever fart”.  Listen, that’s a bold faced lie and you know it just as much as everyone else does.  Secret farters will deny farting until the day they die (or emplode due to lack of passing gas when need be).

So, since we have clearly established that all people fart, we can now touch upon farting when pregnant.  It’s basically as common and standard as using toilet paper when you wipe.  One just doesn’t happen without the other.  Not only are you farting more often during pregnancy but the stench is a bit more, shall we say, pungent?  Yup, like it or not, you are going to produce some stink bombs.  Literally.  Which brings me to pooping.  I think it’s safe to say that the same categories I mentioned for farting also apply to poopers.  For pregnant women, you are going to go through phases of pooping so much your butt hurts to not being able to poop for a week.  I know, it’s gross.  I get it.  But, it’s a part of life and a part of pregnancy.  So pregnant ladies, don’t be ashamed to buy your Preparation H or have a mini celebration when you take a shit.  Both are worthy :) 

You know it's true!

Porn Star Boobs

This is by far my favorite blog entry to date.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love writing about hearing my baby’s heartbeat and seeing her sesame seed face on the ultrasound, however, is there anything better to write about than BOOBS?!  I think not.  

Boobs are a huge part of pregnancy, in more ways than one.  Women, like my wife, often worry that after pregnancy their boobs will never be the same.  I think of the song “Do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow…” (replace ears with boobs).  The fear is that their boobs will change colors, shapes, sizes, hang low and never go back.  Well, I can’t say some or all of this won’t happen, however, boobs getting bigger is straight up awesome.  Now, not to put my wife’s business out there (oh wait, I do that every week), but before she was pregnant, her boobs were a size G.  Yes, a G.  You read that right.  She is a small girl with huge boobies (one of the many reasons I put a ring on it).  So starting off with a size G boobs has to be a bit daunting once you get pregnant.  It’s a given that your boobs are going to get bigger.  I mean, they feed your child so naturally that milk has to be held somewhere and it ain’t in your booty.  My wife had extremely sensitive boobs before she got pregnant and there was a huge concern that she wouldn’t be able to breast feed because she wouldn’t be able to handle the pain.  Also, she feared suffocating our baby with her enlarged and engorged G+ boobs.  Totally natural fear, I’m sure ;)  Watching the changes in my wife’s boobs throughout her pregnancy was pretty cool.  I mean, she had porno boobs.  Not a bad sight to look at for 9 months!  I will fully admit, yes ladies, your boobs will change.  Your areolas will most likely get bigger and darker and your nipples will start forming some yellowish crusty stuff (sounds gross but that is your liquid gold aka colostrum). The fun doesn’t stop there.  Once the baby is born, your boobs will no longer be your own. They belong to your beloved baby.  They will likely chafe, bleed, crack and be sore as fuck.  BUT, despite the pain and awfulness I am describing, the mere thought that milk from your boobs is feeding and nourishing your child is so freaking cool and awesome, nothing else really matters.  At least for my wife it didn’t.  My wife is a god damn trooper.  That’s all I gotta say about that.  Oh, and her boobs look fantastic post-pregnancy and post breast feeding.  So, perhaps there is a small light at the end of the booby tunnel.  Happy maternity bra and breast pad shopping :)