Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Headlamps and Headstands

If only this was my actual hand...
I’ve talked many times thus far about how “unsexy” the home insemination process had been for my wife and I.  Well, I’m about to delve into the most unsexy part of our journey in our quest to conceive.  As if the turkey baster or syringe wasn’t unsexy enough, my wife and I were learning more and more with each insemination we performed and realizing things we could do differently and things that were missing and needed as well.  One of the major problems I would run into as the “inseminator” was not having enough hands for everything.  My wife would be laying back, legs open and ready to receive, and I would be there hovering over her, trying to prepare the syringe, speculum, sperm, lube, etc…  They also say it’s a good idea to try and use a flashlight so you can actually see what you are doing.  Essentially, I was supposed to be able to do all of the above while also inserting my fingers to find the opening of the cervix and then being able to do the insemination.  Legit, I needed 4 sets of hands in order to achieve all of this and that clearly wasn't an option.  So, we started thinking about which things we could make “hands free”.  You ready for this one?  Well, I wasn't.  We were out shopping one day and came across these headlamps.  They were very industrial looking, probably since we were at home depot (homo depot as I like to call it).  There was a 3 pack special on these headlamps and we thought it would be a good purchase to have at the house in case the power ever went out or we needed to go in the basement.  When we purchased these, we NEVER intended them to be used for what I'm about to use them for.  One afternoon at the house, after several unsuccessful inseminations and me wishing I had 15 hands, I saw the head lamps in a drawer.  I jokingly put one on and said to my wife “babe, look how sexy this is!”  We both chuckled and she said, “you should wear that when you inseminate me!”  At first, we both laughed again, but then I started thinking to myself how that wasn't actually a bad idea. 
Fast forward to our next insemination and we were packing our “goody bag” and I said, “I’m going to bring the head lamp, just in case”, not really thinking I would actually stoop so low as to wear it.  Well, desperate times call for desperate measures.  As I once again, fumbled around, needing way more hands than I had, I proceeded to put that hideously ugly head lamp around my head and turned it on.  It was like Christmas morning.  I didn't even care how ridiculous I looked and how my wife was laughing at me.  I felt like I had a new lease on life and a new set of hands to help!  Not to mention, it really did help having the light and being able to see better as to what I was doing.  As I look back and think about this, I often wonder how my wife can still actually find me sexy.  I mean, the thought of having to wear a headlamp while inseminating your wife truly is as awful as it sounds. 

This doesn't even do it justice
When I had those moments of wondering how my wife could still find me sexy, I started thinking how she probably felt the same way.  Although, I find her sexy no matter what, all day, every day, I can imagine she doubts that sitting there spread eagle while I accost her vagina looking for your cervix isn’t the sexiest thing in the world.  And then there were the headstands.  Yes, instead of propping her butt up onto a pillow (which we also did after each insemination), my wife was determined to take it to the next level and make those spermies swim to where they needed to go.  So after I inseminated her, she would have me put a pillow down on the ground, she would fly up off the bed and plop onto her head into a head stand against the nearest wall.  Sounds funny, right?  Looking back, I can certainly see the humor, but at the time, it was miz for shiz.  Having to watch my wife strain her neck and all the blood rushing to her head just so the damn sperm would swim to where it needed to go, it wasn’t a laughing matter. This wasn't pretty like a nice relaxing yoga class, this was some real shit. We obviously tried to make the best of it and would laugh at each other, but imagine the embarrassment when really thinking about the use of headlamps and doing headstands, just to get pregnant?! 

I can tell you this much, if I never see another headlamp again, it won’t be too soon.   And I don’t imagine my wife would willingly do another headstand unless she absolutely had to.  Bottom line, just when you think things can’t get any more unsexy, they do.  And that is what lesbians deal with when it comes to home insemination every day!  Unless…..   

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