Welcome! Here you will find alot of laughs, possibly some tears and lots of stories about the trials and tribulations of being a same sex couple trying to make a baby. From conception to insemination, to peeing on sticks and picking up baby daddy baby batter, I am going to share the nitty gritty on all things lesbian, all things baby and all things Semenette(R), my invention that miraculously became a reality. I hope you enjoy reading my stories as much as I enjoyed living them.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Headlamps and Headstands
If only this was my actual hand...
many times thus far about how “unsexy” the home insemination process had been
for my wife and I. Well, I’m about to
delve into the most unsexy part of our journey in our quest to conceive. As if the turkey baster or syringe
wasn’t unsexy enough, my wife and I were learning more and more with each
insemination we performed and realizing things we could do
differently and things that were missing and needed as well. One of the major problems I would run into as
the “inseminator” was not having enough hands for everything. My wife would be laying back, legs open and ready
to receive, and I would be there hovering over her, trying to prepare the
syringe, speculum, sperm, lube, etc…
They also say it’s a good idea to try and use a flashlight so you can
actually see what you are doing. Essentially,
I was supposed to be able to do all of the above while also inserting my
fingers to find the opening of the cervix and then being able to do the
insemination. Legit, I needed 4 sets of
hands in order to achieve all of this and that clearly wasn't an option. So, we started thinking about which things we
could make “hands free”. You ready for
this one? Well, I wasn't. We were out shopping one day and came across
these headlamps. They were very
industrial looking, probably since we were at home depot (homo depot as I like
to call it). There was a 3 pack special
on these headlamps and we thought it would be a good purchase to have at the
house in case the power ever went out or we needed to go in the basement. When we purchased these, we NEVER intended
them to be used for what I'm about to use them for.
One afternoon at the house, after several unsuccessful inseminations and
me wishing I had 15 hands, I saw the head lamps in a drawer. I jokingly put one on and said to my wife “babe,
look how sexy this is!” We both chuckled
and she said, “you should wear that when you inseminate me!” At first, we both laughed again, but then I
started thinking to myself how that wasn't actually a bad idea.
SO NOT SEXY
to our next insemination and we were packing our “goody bag” and I said, “I’m
going to bring the head lamp, just in case”, not really thinking I would
actually stoop so low as to wear it. Well,
desperate times call for desperate measures.
As I once again, fumbled around, needing way more hands than I had, I
proceeded to put that hideously ugly head lamp around my head and turned it
on. It was like Christmas morning. I didn't even care how ridiculous I looked and how my wife was laughing at me. I
felt like I had a new lease on life and a new set of hands to help! Not to mention, it really did help having the light and being able to see better as to what I was doing. As I look back and think about this, I often
wonder how my wife can still actually find me sexy. I mean, the thought of having to wear a
headlamp while inseminating your wife truly is as awful as it sounds.
This doesn't even do it justice
When I had
those moments of wondering how my wife could still find me sexy, I started
thinking how she probably felt the same way.
Although, I find her sexy no matter what, all day, every day, I can
imagine she doubts that sitting there spread eagle while I accost her vagina looking for your cervix isn’t the sexiest thing in the world. And then there were the headstands. Yes, instead of propping her butt up onto a
pillow (which we also did after each insemination), my wife was determined to
take it to the next level and make those spermies swim to where they needed to
go. So after I inseminated her, she
would have me put a pillow down on the ground, she would fly up off the bed and
plop onto her head into a head stand against the nearest wall. Sounds funny, right? Looking back, I can certainly see the humor,
but at the time, it was miz for shiz.
Having to watch my wife strain her neck and all the blood rushing to her
head just so the damn sperm would swim to where it needed to go, it wasn’t a
laughing matter. This wasn't pretty like a nice relaxing yoga class, this was some real shit. We obviously tried to
make the best of it and would laugh at each other, but imagine the embarrassment
when really thinking about the use of headlamps and doing headstands, just to
I can tell
you this much, if I never see another headlamp again, it won’t be too soon. And I don’t imagine my wife would willingly
do another headstand unless she absolutely had to. Bottom line, just when you think things can’t
get any more unsexy, they do. And that
is what lesbians deal with when it comes to home insemination every day! Unless…..