Thursday, April 24, 2014

Oh the places you will inseminate.

As you have read from my previous entry, when you are eggulating and it’s time to inseminate, there’s no lengths you won’t go to.  When the time is right, the time is right!  This was certainly the case for my wife and I.  I mean, we inseminated in my parents condo which was so bizarre and weird.  I thought that would be the weirdest place we would ever inseminate but boy, was I wrong!  The thing about it is that, life still carries on, even when you are eggulating.  We have jobs, responsibilities and commitments and we can’t always have that oh so sacred moment of “basting” your partner.  I can recall several inseminations that were done in even more bizarre places than my parents condo…

Our baby making surroundings
Squirt Squirt
We would often inseminate at our baby daddy’s house.  Our baby daddy and his husband were so gracious to allow us to “do the deed” in their guest bedroom.  Let me set the scene for you… The drive to our baby daddy’s house was usually 45 minutes to an hour.   Upon passing a certain exit, we would text our donor and let him know it was time to “get to business” aka produce some baby batter.  Upon arriving at their house we would go inside, chat for a few minutes and then head upstairs to their guestroom where good smelling candles were always lit, the bed was always nicely made, towels were neatly folded on the bed, and the fresh cup of sperm was placed on the nightstand table.  It almost sounds too good to be true.  And now it was time to send those sperm to their home!  It’s not the easiest thing in the world to get comfortable in this “sexual” way knowing that just downstairs is your baby daddy and his husband but as I said, you gotta do what you gotta do!  I would clumsily try and navigate all of the “tools” we had for inseminating and then squirt away.  Don’t even get me started on the time I “pre ejaculated” some of the sperm in the syringe onto my wife’s leg.  That wasn’t one of my finer moments.  After I was done inseminating her, she would lie on the bed with her legs elevated for at least 20 minutes.  This was us thinking we could force those sperm to swim in the right direction.  My wife would sometimes even do head stands to assure those swimmers knew where to go.  And this was all while the guys were downstairs. 

Backseat baby making
Our inseminations didn’t stop there.  We were on our way to a wedding in NH and of course, my wife happened to be eggulating on the day we were going.  So, we did what any couple wanting a baby would do and we stopped at our baby daddy’s house on our way to the wedding, ran in, picked up some sperm and because we were running late to the wedding, we had to inseminate in my car.  Yes, you read that right, in my car.  Not to mention that my sister was riding with us so we decided to make her useful as well.  We literally had my sister stand in front of us in our baby daddy’s driveway with a towel covering us, my wife laid in the back seat and I proceeded to inseminate her…very quickly.  Talk about romance.  I often thought about having to explain to our future child where he or she might have been conceived.  "You were conceived in the back of mommy's car! YAY!" 

The bottom line here is that there are no exceptions to the rule when it comes to making a baby.  You will do whatever it takes wherever necessary, clearly.  A good day was being able to inseminate in the privacy of our own home, even though it still was with a damn needleless syringe.  The sexiness continues…

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