Coconut Oil on your labia…say what?!

Ok, don’t be alarmed by the title of this blog.  Ok, well maybe you should be a little alarmed.  This is one of those stories that I just HAD to share.  It’s too hilarious not to.  I mentioned in a previous post about getting my wife a prenatal facial and this event was actually while my wife was having another facial with a different woman.  The woman I made the appointment for her with is French and knows skin more than anyone I have ever met.  She’s an incredible esthetician.  She also happened to be pregnant as well so her and my wife had lots of stories to compare and chat about.  I picked my wife up from the facial and we were chatting as usual and then she began telling me one of the most hilarious and awkward things I have ever heard.  Here goes nothing.

So, as my wife and esthetician were trading stories about the horrors of pregnancy, giving birth, etc… and were also sharing advice and “trade secrets”, the esthetician began talking about using coconut oil, but not in the way you might think.  I’m sure your first thought was what mine was and that would be using coconut oil for stretch marks.  Well, the esthetician had a different kind of use for the coconut oil.  She proceeded to tell my wife that it was extremely good to rub coconut oil on your labia and perineum.  She went on to explain that you should “go home, sit and relax on the couch and rub a little coconut oil on your labia and perineum every night” to help with tearing during labor.  I legit cannot even imagine how my wife kept her shit together while the esthetician was sharing this story.  That means, A)she rubs her labia and perineum on the regular and B) she felt comfortable enough to talk about that as if it was totally normal.  Can you imagine coming home from work and finding your partner sitting on the couch, all out there, rubbing coconut oil on her lady parts like there’s nothing to see here??!  Yeah, I don’t think so.  Needless to say, my wife and I had quite a laugh.  I can also assure you that my wife decided not to take this friendly advice and her labia and perineum are just fine :)

 

Isn’t it amazing the things people feel inclined and comfortable sharing and doing when pregnant or when they see a pregnant person?  Don’t even get me going on touching a pregnant belly.  I’ll save that topic for next week!

Do you smell that???

I saw someone posted on FB about a NHL hockey player that admittedly farts in front of the net to try and distract the goalie and it prompted me to recall farts and gas during pregnancy.  Ohhh another lovely topic I have no problem covering in this blog!  I told you I keep it real.  Not sure what’s more real than farts, pooping or lack thereof pooping. 

Farting in general is a part of life.  I know there is a distinctly different standpoint on farting depending on who you are talking to.  Some people are “all out there” farters.  They have NO shame in farting anywhere, anytime, or in front of anyone.  Then you have the “closet” farters.  These are people that fart (because everyone does) but will avoid talking about farting or actually farting in front of anyone.  Not everyone likes to talk about their farts, ok?  Finally, you have the “secret” farters.   These are people that are in straight up denial about farting.  They often say things like “I don’t ever fart”.  Listen, that’s a bold faced lie and you know it just as much as everyone else does.  Secret farters will deny farting until the day they die (or emplode due to lack of passing gas when need be).

So, since we have clearly established that all people fart, we can now touch upon farting when pregnant.  It’s basically as common and standard as using toilet paper when you wipe.  One just doesn’t happen without the other.  Not only are you farting more often during pregnancy but the stench is a bit more, shall we say, pungent?  Yup, like it or not, you are going to produce some stink bombs.  Literally.  Which brings me to pooping.  I think it’s safe to say that the same categories I mentioned for farting also apply to poopers.  For pregnant women, you are going to go through phases of pooping so much your butt hurts to not being able to poop for a week.  I know, it’s gross.  I get it.  But, it’s a part of life and a part of pregnancy.  So pregnant ladies, don’t be ashamed to buy your Preparation H or have a mini celebration when you take a shit.  Both are worthy :) 

You know it's true!

Porn Star Boobs

This is by far my favorite blog entry to date.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love writing about hearing my baby’s heartbeat and seeing her sesame seed face on the ultrasound, however, is there anything better to write about than BOOBS?!  I think not.  

Boobs are a huge part of pregnancy, in more ways than one.  Women, like my wife, often worry that after pregnancy their boobs will never be the same.  I think of the song “Do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow…” (replace ears with boobs).  The fear is that their boobs will change colors, shapes, sizes, hang low and never go back.  Well, I can’t say some or all of this won’t happen, however, boobs getting bigger is straight up awesome.  Now, not to put my wife’s business out there (oh wait, I do that every week), but before she was pregnant, her boobs were a size G.  Yes, a G.  You read that right.  She is a small girl with huge boobies (one of the many reasons I put a ring on it).  So starting off with a size G boobs has to be a bit daunting once you get pregnant.  It’s a given that your boobs are going to get bigger.  I mean, they feed your child so naturally that milk has to be held somewhere and it ain’t in your booty.  My wife had extremely sensitive boobs before she got pregnant and there was a huge concern that she wouldn’t be able to breast feed because she wouldn’t be able to handle the pain.  Also, she feared suffocating our baby with her enlarged and engorged G+ boobs.  Totally natural fear, I’m sure ;)  Watching the changes in my wife’s boobs throughout her pregnancy was pretty cool.  I mean, she had porno boobs.  Not a bad sight to look at for 9 months!  I will fully admit, yes ladies, your boobs will change.  Your areolas will most likely get bigger and darker and your nipples will start forming some yellowish crusty stuff (sounds gross but that is your liquid gold aka colostrum). The fun doesn’t stop there.  Once the baby is born, your boobs will no longer be your own. They belong to your beloved baby.  They will likely chafe, bleed, crack and be sore as fuck.  BUT, despite the pain and awfulness I am describing, the mere thought that milk from your boobs is feeding and nourishing your child is so freaking cool and awesome, nothing else really matters.  At least for my wife it didn’t.  My wife is a god damn trooper.  That’s all I gotta say about that.  Oh, and her boobs look fantastic post-pregnancy and post breast feeding.  So, perhaps there is a small light at the end of the booby tunnel.  Happy maternity bra and breast pad shopping :) 

A Little Humor Never Hurt

This next post is a video I came across one day.  As the ever popular Iggy Azalea is, someone spoofed her song “Fancy” into their version called, “I’m So Pregnant”.  I don’t need to say anything more.  Just watch and you will see for yourself :)  It’s pretty amazing.  Enjoy! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVuittFyM34

 

Picking Baby Names

The task of picking your child’s name is quite daunting.  I have known people in my life that have had horribly tragic names.  For example, Marsha Mellow, Harry Ball, etc… I could go on but I just feel bad for them.  Especially since their parents fully knew what they were doing when they picked their name.  I myself, have been known as Spermin’ Berman for the majority of my adult life.  Not the worst thing in the world, considering what I do for a living, however, for a girl in the 8^th grade, not so fun.  Luckily I embrace my nickname and it’s not my legal name ;)  I had TONS of boys names that I loved but those would all have to be put aside until the prospect of baby #2 would happen.  For this one, we knew our task at hand.  My wife and I both loved the name Grace.  Before we even conceived, we both agreed that if it was a girl, that would be her name.  As you can imagine, once you actually have a baby to name, there are soooo many other ideas and options that come to mind.  We had a fairly narrow list but it was extremely hard to decide which one to go with.  Some people suggested that we wait until we saw her in person because maybe the name we thought would fit would be totally different upon seeing her face for the first time.  We agreed that was a distinct possibility but we at least wanted to narrow our list down to around 3 names so it wasn’t a free for all when she was born and she ended up with a name like Marsha Mellow!  After much thought and debate, we narrowed our list down to the 3 front runners of, Grace, Isabella and Sophia.  We had determined that no matter what, she was going to have my wife’s last name as her middle name and our family name would be my last name.  So, that was certainly something to factor in.  Now that we had our list down to 3, the waiting game was on.  Only 6 or so more months of waiting to meet our baby girl!  

Gender Reveal Party!

Since my wife and I already knew the sex of the baby but our close friends and family (except our moms and dads) didn’t, we decided it would be fun to have a little gender reveal party.  We went all out with the pink and blue gear.  If you ever want to have a gender reveal party, I highly recommend Pinterest to get tons of ideas from.  There are sooooo many different ways to reveal the gender but we decide it would be fun to take a big cardboard box, decorate it and inside the box we would put the appropriate pink or blue balloons, so when we opened the box, the balloons would fly out and reveal what we were having.  It’s quite a climactic experience ;)  We had little bowls out each filled with blue and pink beads for our guests to wear and make their guess.  We also put up a chalk board for people to put their baby name suggestions.  Those were hilarious.  I’ll delve into more of that in a later post. 

I have included a bunch of pictures from our gender reveal party including one of the moment we opened the box to reveal the gender!  It was quite a relief to finally let the big secret out.  And now, it was time to shop for baby clothes!!!  

Cupcakes with Bows and Mustaches

Decorations

All things Pink and Blue

The Name Board

The BIG Reveal!

I NEED WINE AND I WANT SUSHI

I think one of the worst parts of pregnancy for women is all of the diet restrictions they have and most importantly, they cannot drink alcohol.  What woman do you know that doesn’t need a nice glass of wine after a long day at work?!  Well, I know my wife is one of those women who REALLY enjoys being able to have a nice glass of red wine after a long day and our little cherub in her belly was making that impossible for her.  The other thing that my wife and I both love is sushi.  As we all know, sushi is a big NO NO when preggers.  That along with caffeine (in moderation is ok), deli meat (unless it’s heated…gross), and most soft cheeses are all NO NO’s when pregnant.  You would think a pregnant woman should be allowed to do, eat and drink whatever the heck she wants, right?!  It’s a long 9 months of restrictions and no booze but as we know, it’s all worth it in the end!  Just imagine how delicious that first glass of wine will taste?  Just be prepared to dump your liquid gold breast milk after you drink it ;)  #mommyproblems